Emotions....

   It was brought to my attention last week when in counseling that I tend to not want people to feel their emotions, or tend to feel badly when someone else cries or has any reaction. I think my dear friend S knows this because I would always try to defuse her strong emotions rather than just knowing it is perfectly ok  to feel and express whatever is going on inside!  I had to think about this and look at it since then and just had a light bulb moment i want to write about.  This is what brought this to the fore just now.
   I was writing to S about my visit with mother yesterday.  In an unconventional moment, mother said that she does not expect that my older sister (who has cancer) will ever be back  to visit her. Mother was without any visible emotion. And as i was writing to S about this I realized that my mother has ALWAYS been without visible emotion. She will express political or religious ideas in a bold way, and is also very quick to express criticism, and also can become angry when she does not get her own way, but she does NOT express sadness. 
  Saturday evening my son K called me from the psych hospital he is currently in and spent almost an hour yelling and cursing and threatening to harm himself and others. (this is all behavior consistent with his illness) I deliberately practiced being conscious of what was happening, and analyzed what was taking place so as not to internalize the extreme energy K was generating. When his tirade was over and the call ended, I was very careful not to allow myself to feel anything about it.
   Is this very 'zen' of me? Maybe. Is it very 'zen' of mother  to not express any feelings about her oldest child getting ready to leave her body before she herself does?
   "One should lament neither for the living nor the dead." (Bhag.Gita) See... I have scripture to support my lack of emotion! But if I am this way due to denial, due to not wanting to feel my inner pain, somehow i think i can not apply Shastra to that. It is like trying to be a sanyasi because it sounds good, but not being free of  lust.
   Anyhow... I do not like to feel sadness.. and i do not want anyone else to feel sadness.. but I think this is because i was never allowed to as a child. I was never allowed to grieve the loss of my father at age 5, or  his mother, or anything! My sister Jean says that when one of her babies left her body after 30 days, my mother, who was the only one there, told her to just let it go. Jean says she "was not permitted to grieve."
   I do not want to have painful emotions.

Bacopa - Will it help?

   Caught the last 5 minutes of Dr. Oz the other day and he was recommending the herb "Bacopa" in increase memory. I wrote it down on an envelope by my seat so I would not forget it. Somehow that envelope made it to my office desk, although i could not remember taking it there,  and as I waded through some papers when i paid the bills this morning , there it was ! Bacopa 150 mgs.  After my financial duties were completed, i did a search on this supplement. Read information from a few sites and ultimately went to Dr. Oz's site and followed the link there to the company i ended up ordering from.
   I am aware of my lack of concentration and memory. I am hoping that once i begin taking this i will see a measurable improvement in my brain function. Hopefully i will not experience the one side effect that is listed, mild stomach upset, because in general that is the one thing that has in the past kept me from regularly taking capped herbs.  Remains to be seen.
   A couple weeks ago my mother gave me some information on increasing memory that she received at her nursing home. She can not read them due to eyesight. I did read them over and most of what was suggested I already do, have BEEN doing, to stay on top of things.  How many of us are the queens of sticky notes?
   Well, back to changing sheets and folding laundry.
  

"I did not excel at life today." and the scared young man...

   A Facebook friend posted that yesterday. "I did not excel at life today."  Now... what an amazing statement, an honest statement, a conscious statement. One often hears that it is important to embrace the truth of our individual lives. This matter-of-fact statement said it all for me. 
  
   Yesterday in my rounds of things to do, I stopped to fill up the car with gasoline. As i pulled into the spot, I saw that right there on the adjacent street a local policeman had pulled over a young man. I could hear the officer. I could see the young man gripping the steering wheel with both hands, looking straight forward. The policeman said something like, "You don't have any drugs in your car, do you?" That was all I heard clearly. I will tell you now that this young man was black bodied, and I wondered if that is why he was like a statue in his car. Was he gripped with fear ?
   I went on to the new local 'super store' where i was looking to fill my to get list. Toward the end of my shopping i was in a freezer section and the same young man was there. Honestly, I would not have recognized him if he had not been black. He was talking to himself.  He was a bit agitated. And i realized that this young man , like my son, is schizophrenic.  His encounter with the cop pushed him over the edge a bit, I suspect. I wanted so much to reach out to him, to help him calm down, but knowing what it is like to try that with my own son, I was actually afraid to intrude into his internal process. I wanted to just give him a mom hug... to tell him everything would be ok.. to take him home and make him lunch... but fact is, I would be afraid to do that for my own son, to be alone with him  if he were in such an agitated state after encountering an authority figure.  I thought of his mother, and wondered if she, like me, struggled with the pain of having a child with such severe mental illness.  And.. is it harder to be a black schizophrenic person than a white one?  Or... is there no difference in public perception ?  My heart was hurting for this young man for several hours. I prayed and prayed that he is being watched over in a special way... as I do for my son..
   A hug does not take away mental illness.

Lost in a cheezy LMN movie and a beautiful day in the neighborhood

   I am lost in a lame made for TV movie.  Am I lame for watching it? Oh.. probably.. Lame for these 2 hours anyhow.  One thing I am getting from it is "Never trust the strange neighbor!"... LOLOL... BUT..that said.. I am probably the strangest neighbor MY neighbors have ever had.  I even put up a curtain in the over the kitchen sink window just to block out the back yard of the neighbor below us.  Apparently they think I "watch" them out that window when actually i am just washing dishes and dreaming of anything BUT washing dishes. OH! Sooo much for being present.. right? LOL... Anyhow, since I now know how they feel, I will make certain NOT to look out any window facing their house.  After all, I do not want to be called (OR to BE!)  the "crazy old lady" neighbor.
   Fact is, last year I went out on the deck with my guitar, as I sometimes like to do, to just sing. I did not know that the man-of-the-house was outside. In about 1 minute, this kids were running around the back yard screaming at the top of their lungs. I looked down and could tell that their dad encouraged them to behave this way to stop my singing. It worked. I have not been outside to sing since. That is one thing I really like to do. And would MUCH rather do it where there are no people. My intention is not to be heard by human ears.
   This same fellow will open his garage door and blare loud music. He harassed our dog in the past by having his young child blow an air horn at our fence, causing our dog to run there ... and then the 'adult' laughed and laughed.  And this is only one other instance.. one of many.  The latest was in telling the electric company tree trimmers that our trees are HIS trees, and then instructed them. I did not know this until the work was almost done and I went to talk to these tree guys about what they were doing.
   Ahhhhh.... ACTUALLY.. it is HE who is the 'crazy neighbor'... HE who seems to try to enjoy his own selfish behavior. (sigh) Well.. I NEVER expected I would be writing about THIS! I have surprised myself.
    Well... "Peace is not freedom FROM the storm but peace WITHIN the storm."  MAYBE one day I will get that!
   

"Bhuvi's Choice' in perspective... and hugging trees...

   After writing my memory last evening, and experiencing the feelings of that event, through the night it all became clear in my mind.  Parents all over the world have jobs and leave their children in the care of others. I had a job.  Although I was not paid to do that job, still it was a job I accepted, and was no different than anyone eases job choice, including my own mother's.  I was dedicated to my work. And I DID love my children, both my own and those in my care.
   My son's mental illness is not a result of my leaving him behind that day.  And now that i have been deemed 'bi-polar', and looking back on life events, his mental illness may be entirely the result of DNA from both sides of his parental connections.
   What surprises me the most this morning is that any other morning I recalled that event in Lake Huntington, my heart would hurt, would feel as if it were twisted to the point of breaking in two. But... that is (at least at this time) GONE! I could not have even written the sentences above without having tears begin to flow.  Will I become free from the feelings of so many events simply by deliberately recalling, writing in detail, allowing whatever feeling that DO arise TO arise ?  I am willing to do this now... not here necessarily...
   There is also a broader issue of choice that I will just mention.. and that is that that soul, Kanti, chose me and all that came with that. I think I'll leave that topic for a different day.. a different frame of mind.. because maybe I need to work through this lifetime's events before I go back to considering the bigger picture. After all, I do not want to allow my brain to allow the bigger picture to obstruct the events that I need to process. Maybe I have been hiding in the forest for too long. Now I need to look at and touch all the trees. OH! May be time to become a 'tree hugger" !

Bhuvi's Choice

   OMG, this is hard to write about. But since i am in some kind of strange funk (not that it is strange to ME, but it is a strange thing.. this head of mine) am in a breaking heart mode. What has happened just a bit ago was a memory about my son Kanti. I did receive a letter from him earlier, from the hospital he is currently in. So, he has been on my mind, somewhere just under the surface.
    I re-lived a moment from Lake Huntington. We were taking 2 ashrams of girls into the Big Apple. After loading everyone into a large van, I climbed into the front passenger seat. Can not recall who was driving.  We were leaving the school parking lot, driving slowly up the road. Kanti, only age 5 or 6 somehow knew i was leaving.. and he came running up beside the van. I spotted him in the rear-view mirror. He was calling out "MATA! MATA!" with a huge smile on his face... running so fast and in his little saffron dhoti.  I asked that the van stop and I looked down at his smiling face and told him I would be back in a few days... He kept smiling.. but his heart was broken.. Problem is.. MINE was not broken! I was only too anxious to get away from the daily stress of gurukula/temple life...Why didn't I just get out of that damn van, take my smiling child in my arms and just spend the day with him?
    Remember "Sophie's Choice" ? Yes.. Sophie had to make a choice and she chose her son, sending her daughter to certain death. Well.... I made a choice... that while not immediately as dramatic and devastating.. may very well have resulted in one more nail in Kanti's coffin (so-to-speak)... And NOW I am feeling it! NOW my heart breaks remembering this.. remembering that I made a choice to even BE at Lake Huntington, to put him in the care of someone else, giving up MY responsibility to love , protect, guide this soul who took birth through my body.. And this was just one example of the uncountable times i chose to NOT love my baby, my son.  i beg the forgiveness (once again) of my child  (all my children) for having made choices that resulted in their suffering.. and my own suffering.
   Now he is locked up in a hospital (again) after being locked up in a jail (again) so  far away I can not visit him.. and in such a state of mind these last 15 years that he seems barely there at all. That's right... He is barely there at all.
   How did Sophie live with herself?
   Anyhow... I was hoping that by writing this down that  the pain in my heart would go away. It hasn't happened yet.  If I could, I would have my self put in a hospital for now. Even talked to C about that earlier. (that is another story).. Well.. no worries. Maybe i just need to cry. 
  

"A Survivor Takes Time to Relax and Heal"

"Relax...and let everything else fall into place.

Take one moment for you alone.

Let the day's trials roll off your shoulders.

Fill you head with thoughts of nothing at all.

And in that moment - 

those brief seconds where nothing matters-

breathe deeply and embrace the silence.

Truly relax,

and when you wake to tackle life again,

remember this moment

and let it fill you with courage and serenity."

(from The Strength of Women , pg 42)

Are we having fun yet?

   For me,  that is a very sincere question. 60 years old in this body and i have never figured out how to 'have fun.' C and I were talking some moments ago about how we are going to go out with our new camper (new as of late last year) as often as possible. He said, "We are going to have FUN!" So, my next question to him was, "Can you REALLY have fun with ME?" and he said emphatically and with a smile , "Of COURSE!" But you see... I just don't 'feel' it.
   I do recall a time when i marveled at the world around me, when there was a spark of life and FOR life! But, frankly, I lost that very early on in my life. Probably around the time of 12...  when 'innocence was lost' , when heart was broken, when how I had viewed my 'self' was somehow lost. My body was always a physically painful place to reside.
   Today the physical pain is almost unbearable from one day to the next.  And everything C has me involved with is both physically taxing and emotional taxing. This is not his fault. He is simply living his life, as he has every right and even responsibility to do. I am his wife. I am along for the ride. 
   This is MY karma, MY life, MY choice.  I have chased the illusive 'fun adventure' many times in this life. I reached a point where the chase is over.  The search for fun has been replaced with the conscious pursuit for peace and joy... INSIDE! Seems that the external condition of my life is actually meant to facilitate my inner life.
   I get a measure of satisfaction when i hear of the adventures of others.. friends going here and there, doing this and that. But just like the many times I stood outside the many varied temple room doors looking through at the devotees engaged in dancing and chanting.. and i could not get myself to go inside, could not become a part of that experience, I am quite often simply an observer of the lives of others.  Even when a dear friend insisted I attend the Scottish Highland Games a couple times, she clearly had a blast and hoped the same for me.  She never really knew. I never really told her. How does one tell a love one who is trying so hard to provide a nice experience that somehow it just isn't working?
   How does one fight against the law of karma? God knows I have TRIED! But try as i might I have not been able to overcome the feelings of being unlovable, unqualified, disconnected, removed. Couple that with severe chronic pain and well... I really sometimes HAVE to ask.. with all sincerity... "Are we having fun yet?"

Paneer vrs Tofu, Blue Bunny Rabbit, Sleep Number and really, it's as good as it gets!

   I found the frozen vegetarian section  at Wallyworld.  There was an Amy's Indian meal with rice, chickpea and curry tomato sauce, and curry pea and paneer. (is the 'panier' in the spell check the same as 'paneer' that appears in cook books and menus? ) It has been years since i have tasted milk curd but I use tofu all the time. What a difference? I relished each tiny bit if paneer in the Amy's dinner. Well, I got tofu to put in tonight's planned supper.  Maybe I will make milk curd sometime. So easy to make.
   At Mother's request i picked up a big (not too big) soft, blue, floppy eared Easter Bunnie for a friend (Susan) of mom's at the home. She saw mom's on her walker and asked if i could get her one as she "likes to sleep with soft stuffed animals." Of course Susan said she would pay for it. At first i told mom that it was not necessary for Susan to do that, but I got to thinking about that further. What I have discovered over the last 20 years with C is that Nebraskans do not like to receive anything free. What to most of the people I have met over the years is a simple act of giving, generally speaking becomes a huge debt in the mind of the receiving Nebraskan.  I tell you, they carry this sense of debt to the extreme. So, I am going to leave the tag on the bunnie and tell mother that she should only offer this to Susan as a gift ONCE! If Susan accepts it as a gift, great. But if she wants to pay for it, then mother needs graciously accept the $10 from Susan.
     I usually do sleep alone in my own small bedroom. It does not take long for me to suddenly wake in the night and move to the other room. Actually, I prefer my good twin mattress with a memory foam top to C's Sleep Number queen size. Must say, I actually hate that mattress.  Just another example of C getting things his way. I understand that he went this direction because he thought it would help his back and we DID have the option of returning it after 30 days. But he liked it, even though i saw not one bit of improvement in his back pain. On the contrary, when i am IN (not ON) that mattress, it is like a battle! BTW, FYI, a Sleep Number bed is actually designed for folks who sleep on their backs and stay on their own side of the bed. Snugglers may find this mattress a BIG disappointment.
   Remember how Srila Prabhupada told the story of how he wanted to marry this very attractive young woman but his father made another arrangement with a gal not as pretty, saying how a beautiful wife can be a downfall due to way too much attachment ?  I think that it is good for me to embrace the things that C and I have that keeps the grand illusion of a perfect relationship at bay. C is excellent in so many ways, and so many of those ways are acceptance of me being the way I am. And I do the same for him. For me, this lifetime, I think this is as good as it gets .. and when all is said and done, it is working for both of us. (took us many years to get here)
   
  

POSSIBLY HELPFUL HINTS for SHAMPOOING YOUR CARPET WITH YOUR OWN MACHINE

* Wear indoor shoes with grippy soles. I discovered from the beginning that although it makes sense to go barefoot while shampooing, when i walked onto the kitchen floor i nearly fell down... repeatedly (because I am a slow learner!) Of course, socks will get wet. Today i am wearing my indoor slippers.

* Vacuum well and get as much cat hair up as possible. When i got this machine and for year afterwards, we had Bessie with us. And no matter how well I vacuumed, still i ran into a situation of having her hair collect and roll into snakes or balls or lumps on the carpet. At first i tried to pick these up with the machine but that did not work. So every time the machine kicked these out I picked them up by hand. Now, with only Tigger here i have had only three small blobs kick out. BUT, I suspect with your long haired Kitty you may have more, like I did with Bessie.

* Make certain that you look carefully at how to mix your cleaning solution into the dispenser. I have made numerous mistakes over the years with this just because i did not pay attention. Today I paid attention! My reservoir hold approximately 1 gal of water.  the solution holder is designed to feed out into that gallon properly as the water leaves the machine. The solution i am using says "1 oz per gal to 2 oz per gal, depending on the traffic or dirt level in the carpet. I use 2. So, that goes into the  dispenser and then it is filled to the line with water.

* Make certain your machine is set on "Floor" rather than "Tools" or "Attachments". AND make certain that the dial is set to either the heavy traffic, or moderate traffic and NOT to the 'just water' setting. These are little symbols. One time I did an entire room with just water and could not figure out why i was not smelling any of the solution or why the level of the solution in the holder was not going down. (DUH!!!!!!!!!) I was just NOT present and NOT paying attention!

* Clean out the machine as well as possible when you are finished! This is NOT an easy task! Wish it were! I hope your machine is a bit easier. I suggest sitting in a kitchen chair and putting the machine on an old towel. Turn it over and see how much of the hair and dirt you can get out of the various places, including in the wheels. All you can do is what you can in this regard. Then i set all  parts over a register and let them sit of a day or two, until completely dry.

* Take your time. Take breaks often. All it to be an all day thing if need be. Get someone else to take as much stuff out as possible. i just moved my one light chair I use for the computer in the living room, the wooden boxes (and one of them i just set up on end) All the light stuff.. Nothing else was moved.My experience in the past is that if those things are moves, really it was not necessary to shampoo underneath the couch and loveseat anyhow.

* "Spray and Wash" seemed to help get those pesky extra dirty spots clean! I would use that product again as a pre-cleaner. I even sprayed it on some of the larger areas. One of the reasons I decided to use this instead of the commercial grade spot cleaner i have in the cupboard is because THAT product has ammonia in it.. and i believe that ammonia is a very dangerous thing to smell. (imho)

* Take your time in small spurts. The reason i say this is because as i was going along today and really pacing myself, I recalled how in the past what would happen is that i would push myself way too hard and so when it came to the end (which could have been 3/4 of the way through)  I would just go toooooo fast, wanting it to be done. And that DID sacrifice the thoroughness of the result. This time i thought "Why go to all  this trouble to get sloppy toward the end?" So, I have been at this since this morning. It is now 2:30 CST, and I still have a bit more to do. I have managed to get most everything put away and/or moved around.

What i ended up shampooing is the short hallway from the front door into the living room, the hallway to the bedrooms and the hall bathroom. (yes.. the carpet is in there also.. YUCK!) Call me sick, but there is something so gratifying in dumping the disgusting water out after shampooing!

Now i am thinking i want to save to replace the carpet in a couple years or so. Until then, i will try to do a better job of shampooing what i have. Actually,  this is the first time since my last surgery that i have shampooed! Now i know i CAN do it! (or DID do it today, anyhow!)

.. and later that day....

Have been going slowly but am getting near the end of what i wanted to do today in cleaning carpets. I have a large area rug that i place over the living room carpet to minimize dirt. I knew it was stain on the back side from use in the basement over the years. Any how, I flipped it over and tried to spot clean the stain areas but that sis not help. I am HOPEFUL that in doing this, i have not caused a stain on the off white carpet due to the very colorful rug running! I have a couple fan on it at the moment and will turn it over in an hour or so.

Last evening I was looking through one of the several catalogs i get for women's clothing. I found myself attracted to a long Indian print dress, lounge dress.  I know i will not order it. But I wondered WHY i would not! First of all, it is nearly $50 and would be over that with S/H.  But that is not the real reason. The REAL reason is Clay. He would hate it. (i think) I began looking through the pages again , but this time I looked at them as if i lived alone. I realized that, were i single,  i would order several loose fitting cotton dresses simply for the comfort.

I so dislike shopping and looking for clothing. I get so frustrated to see something i like only to find it is never large enough to be comfortable.

What a lovely spring day it is! Yesterday i bought a 20 lb bag of sunflower seeds rather than the usual 40. I could handle the 20 by myself and also we may not have any more winter weather. We will see. The year we moved in here it was April 5th. (My daughter and Granddaughter had already been living in the house for a week in the large downstairs area. )  Clay had to work and so several of his relatives showed up at our rental in the nearby town we were renting in. There must have been 5 pick up trucks. A few trips back and forth and all our stuff was in the house, with LOTS of it in the attached garage. The day was soooo lovely and we were all wearing short sleeves! Clay got home late that night and had to return to work very early the next day.  He woke me to say goodbye.

Since I could not get back to sleep, I got up and saw that it had snowed overnight! There must have been 10 or more inches of snow and it had clearly drifted into some areas.  I decided that I would spend awhile moving some of the boxes from the garage into the house while still in my pjs. I walked out fron the kitchen into the garage and closed the door before after me. After finding a box I could manage to life I started to carry it into the house. the door was LOCKED! I had no idea where there was a key! The garage was cold. I was in bare feet. I knocked and knocked but my daughter could not possible have heard me because this house is complete insulated between rooms and floors. I found an old military jacket of Cs and his heavy winter boots. I went out the side door into sooo much snow! I went to the front door and thought (GOD! I hope the neighbors do not see me this way! WHAT an introduction to the neighborhood! ) I knocked on the front door and rang the door bell but to no avail. Anyhow.. I am too tired to write the entire story... ( it WAS funny, though ) Point being.. it was April 6th and we had, I would later discover, 18 inches of snow! It was pretty much melted in 2 days.


Ok... back at the task at hand!

Shampoo Day

For weeks I have been mentioning to C that the carpets are in a terrible need of cleaning. We have a shampooer but i knew it would exhaust me to do this job alone. Now, what i SHOULD have said is , "On this day we are going to clean carpets!" (he was not going to volunteer). When i  suggested that we hire it done (one of the guy he works with has a side business) , C just grunted and clearly did not want to discuss it. Afterall, he paid for a shampooer for me 9 years ago and I should just do it. (this is what i think was going through his head.. but what was more likely happening is that he did not even hear what i was saying. MY BAD!

In any case, the carpet in the living room is sooooo disgusting that i decided last night i would take on this job this morning. Of course, i can only move out so much.. AND i should not even be lifting what I HAVE lifted.. BUT.. that said.. this is my choice. Actually, i enjoy cleaning the carpet! And in time gone by I was physically well enough to get it done without too much physical side effect.

I am taking a break right now. I have taken out what i could and vacuumed. Am perspiring profusely, not from heat but from unwell body.

I am going to try spraying the most stained areas with "Spray and Wash" and see of that helps.

Just got interrupted by a lovely couple of Jehovah Witnesses. They have a script they do. I wished them well and told  them (and i could kick my self for this) "I am a Hindu." Ah, well. Maybe the will look that up and read Krsna's name! That would make it worth my inaccurate statement, right? "I am the cause of all remembrance, knowledge and forgetfulness." (our Lord Sri Krsna)

(Something else i wanted to say here is that if my posts seem self centered, it is because I have no one to talk to on a regular basis. My counselor, whom i see once a week, my dear Sister S, and C.. that is it. And as you can see from above, talking to C is not sharing. So, i am using this blog for ME! I think that folks who do not live in isolation do not understand how it goes. And i am isolated because i guess i am comparatively speaking, introverted.)

Do I feel like a fake?

So, my therapist asked me yesterday, "Do you still feel like a fake when you leave here?"  I had to think about that, about why that is so. Maybe when I have that one hour a week in a room with no windows, with no sound other than our voices, and i am talking, that is the closest i come to being truly present. And maybe being truly present is so foreign to me that when i walk out into the sunlight.. but also into my ever racing brain... I feel like i have just come out of something unreal... therefore false.. or fake.
    Yesterday at the post office a former friend of my daughter's was at the counter. We hugged and once again exchanged phone numbers. We have never followed up after our 'accidental meetings.' The last time I saw Lee,  she stopped in with her husband, and another couple, also friends of my daughter's , and another couple i had never met, from another state. I do not do well with drop in visits (and drop ins are a common things here.. a 'given')  Still, i did the best i could to be a good host. Anyhow... I have now put in a call to Lee and she may call back later today.
   They do not know why I do not call. They do not know how I do not fit in.. not even into my own skin. They do not know that i view all of them as better than me ; One of the women is a a shaman, and both she and Lee are healers.  When i am around these good souls my mind just swims with the energy they exude, YET, both of these ladies and their husbands are very quiet and humble folks.(they hinted a few times that they would like me to get my guitar and sing to them.. but i always changed the subject. The other couple who were with them, the strangers, just were strange and would not even make eye contact, so i did not at all feel like singing)
   During that visit, the shaman (I will call her Lynn) and i went alone into a room and she told me of the recent suicide of her grandson, with whom she was/is very close. She also did a quick hands on adjustment on my chest, on my heart chakra.  As a result, to help  her through this, it was recommended that she go to a healing retreat in India.  She said that is what saved her from her terrible grief. That was over a years ago.
   Anyhow.. when Lee calls, I am going to tell her how I feel and that i never ever meant to appear to be stand-offish when they have always expressed a desire for us all to stay connected. Lee is younger than I, Linda is 12 years older than I. Now is the time for me to open up and reach out to the ever grounded, ever mellow, ever wise Lee and see if a real friendship develops.
   I have a mailing address for Lynn and so i may write to her. She is a most lovely person. I think maybe i am just too much of a sponge for the energy of others. And in their cases, their energies are held in a balanced and powerful way within themselves, rather than being externally manifest.
   So, do I feel like a fake around Lee and Lynn ? I think that i translate my scrambled feelings influenced by the energy of others as my being fake. Ahhhh..... but I am not fake. It is just that the feelings I am experiencing are not my own ! So, of COURSE they might be interpreted as disingenuous. Ok, Now i will see how this goes now that i am recognizing what goes on when i am around Lee.


  

P.S. to my earlier Ancient Aliens post

P.S. About the 'theory' that Garuda was really a space ship, and not the gigantic bird carrier of Lord Vishnu.. Remember the story about Garuda and the sparrow? Here it is, as Srila Prabhupada presented this pastime to us : "....As for determination, one should follow the example of the sparrow who lost her eggs in the waves of the ocean. A sparrow laid her eggs on the shore of the ocean, but the big ocean carried away the eggs on its waves. The sparrow became very upset and asked the ocean to return her eggs. The ocean did not even consider her appeal. So the sparrow decided to dry up the ocean. She began to pick out the water in her small beak, and everyone laughed at her for her impossible determination. The news of her activity spread, and when at last Garuda, the gigantic bird carrier of Lord Visnu, heard it, he became compassionate toward his small sister bird, and so he came to see her. Garuda was very pleased by the determination of the small sparrow, and he promised to help. Thus Garuda at once asked the ocean to return her eggs lest he himself take up the work of the sparrow. The ocean was frightened by this, and returned the eggs. Thus the sparrow became happy by the grace of Garuda.."  Excerpt from "The Path of Perfection," Chapter 5 
 http://krishna.org/the-sparrow-who-conquered-the-ocean/

A different direction... for awhile

Face Book is once again becoming a disturbance to my mind. In all honesty I have allowed the expression of my opinion and the opinions of others to for all intents and purposes become an obsession of sorts. So, for a time I will come here to write when i feel a need to... That may or may not be daily. I wanted to change my settings in FB to shut it down for a bit but i could not figure out how to do that. So, I guess i will simply not go there.

So, today we got some kind of ad from a car place and it actually had a small electronic devise taped onto the large post card. Clay took it off and turned it on and it displayed a code number that he could take to the car lot on a certain day between this and that time to "win a prize." When i later saw this small devise on the side table and it was glowing with a message, I felt a bit paranoid! "How easy would it be for someone to get such things into private homes and listen to the conversation... or do this or that... " I have watched waaaaaaaaay to many movies and read waaaaaaaaaaaay too many novels! Anyhow... I expressed my self and Clay destroyed the thing.

I do not know how much one page here holds but I  think I am about there! 

Here is a teaser for tomorrow's post. I had a physical therapist over a year ago who was an alien. How do you like THEM apples????? Signing off...

"Ancient Aliens"

My excitement about the History Channel program "Ancient Aliens" is their scientific approach to the reality of 'ancient astronauts.' These commentators are scientists and call themselves "Ancient Astronaut Theorists.". The one especially just can not see beyond his own atheism. So he is the one who can not grasp that Garuda , for example, IS a bird! (not a space ship) Let's face it. These folks believe that the ancient world was one of less developed people who required alien help  to achieve what they did.. but this is NOT true! You see.. for me... sometimes it is opposition to truth that establishes truth. 

The Vedic culture, which was all around the world previous to 5000 yeas ago, was most advanced. Demigods came to take part in yajnas. Mantra was used to achieve.. to create... to transport... Yogis of all types were able to , for example, induce a pregnancy or travel at the speed of thought from one place to another. Remember Ashvatama? He wanted to kill Maharaj Pariksit in the womb of Utthara and would have been able to actually destroy the fetus Pariksit WITHOUT harming Utthara.. and with what? AN ATOMIC WEAPON! A weapon sooooooo exact and specialized as to cause an abortion and not harm the mom! BUT.. how was Pariksat saved? Krsna.. Paramatma manifest in the womb and fully counteracted this advanced weapon.  Now how did Ashvatama GET that weapon? It was part of the accepted arsenal of the time.

So.... how does this tie into the theories put forth in Ancient Aliens ? Here is how... THEY CAN NOT EVEN TALK ABOUT THESE THINGS!  They are willing to publish paintings by Vaishnavas (from Srimad-Bhagavatam) and they can pull out the name "Ganesh" and remark how he must be a mutation created by an ancient alien in some genetic way Obviously they have not ACTUALLY studied Srimad-Bhagavatam or other Vedic literature. They look at a picture, read a verse, look at reliefs on some ancient architecture and then say.. "Just see! Aliens MUST have been here!"

So what is the benefit of these "Ancient ALien" programs? Archeologists are giving the audience a way to see things all over the planet that we would not otherwise see. And they are establishing that there is world wide evidence of advanced cultures.. or at least cultures they think have been made advanced by the intervention of aliens, extra terrestrials . If one wants to know how they are narrow in their thinking, in their theories, one can read Srimad-Bhagavatam, Mahabarata... other Vedic literatures.


Maybe it helps that I have actually studied Srimad-Bhagavatam. I KNOW that Krsna is not just one of their aliens.  What is interesting to me is that they are acknowledging the existence of Krsna at all! Who else is doing that? 3/4 of the world would say that Krsna is simply a mythological character out of the most backward culture on our planet. These guys are presenting a theory that Krsna and Garuda, and Ganesh and Hayagriva, and Sesanaga and all the incarnations of Lord Vishnu actually DID exist! Now, they do not understand HOW that is so.. but they are the ONLY ones i have ever heard say that they existed. I find this fascinating.

Karma... Just so i better understand...

   Whether one believes, or disbelieves, or want it to be or not to be... the law of karma is running the show in this material world.  Now I know there are forces that can change the course of my karmic trajectory, most notably and most powerfully is Krsna consciousness. So, that said, I want to write about karma the law of it. Karma is powered by the actions of souls in human bodies acting in the material energy on a middle planet. If there were no souls acting here, there would be no karmic reaction. But that is not the case. We ARE here, actions ARE being made and reactions ARE taking place.
   The other night i had a dream , one of those complex experiences where i can observe, ponder and even seem to have an impact on the events. I did not write it down and so can not recall what i would like to. BUT what I DO remember is that Clay did something in the dream that lead directly to my suffering in some way. My response to his action was , "At what point is a choice made that results in the suffering of another, or of one's self, that HAD to happen to facilitate a karmic reaction?"
   This made me consider further how i want to attempt to be present in my life and to put the Maha Mantra in my heart or mind or brain.  Karmic reactions WILL come, they DO come, ALL THE TIME! I really do not want to be caught off guard. This is up to me.
    And THAT is when 'akarma' can become the constant, rather than karma.

Mother's Dream

Yesterday on her 96th birthday, Mother told me about a recurring dream she has.. probably once every couple months or so. You probably know that mother is mostly blind. I am reminding you because of a questionj i ask her about these experiences.
"I am in a very busy station. This time it is a bus station but before it was a train station, or a plane terminal. People are pushing and pushing, not mean, just crowded and wanting to get on the bus. I am not certain i want to get on because i don't know where this bus is going. A man shows up beside me and says' Just follow me. You will be alright.' I don't know if i followed him or not. I woke up."
So, I asked mother, "Mom, could you see everything ok, as though you did not have macular degeneration?"  She thought for a moment and said, "Yes! I could see everything." That said, mom's memory is short and she could not share any more. 
The first time she told me this dream (months ago) was before i had read "Journey of Souls". And even though i knew (or thought i did) the first time she shared what had happened, this time i was completely certain that she is meeting her guide, or one of them. One day she will have to get on that bus!

Conspiracy and Transition : Fact or Fiction .... or simply FRICTION

Ok... just lost all I was writing ! So i am going to say this. If you can watch the episode of Jesse Ventura's 'Conspiracy Theory' episode titles "Apocolypse 2012" , do so. If you can research the Denver International Airport (DIA)  paintings and so on... DO SO!
But to all this I say... this may be more about folks deliberately creating publicity for DIA and 'secret' government and private underground safe cities than any other reality. Afterall, would those planning this art in DIA really think no one would notice? What about the construction ? Are we really being kept in the dark or are we being fed tidbits of information just to keep us in a state of imbalance? Anyhow... this is what I am thinking this morning... that it is all a HUGE manipulation by all involved.. conspirators and transitionists... Fact? Fiction? Whatever it is, it IS creating FRICTION!