It was brought to my attention last week when in counseling that I tend to not want people to feel their emotions, or tend to feel badly when someone else cries or has any reaction. I think my dear friend S knows this because I would always try to defuse her strong emotions rather than just knowing it is perfectly ok to feel and express whatever is going on inside! I had to think about this and look at it since then and just had a light bulb moment i want to write about. This is what brought this to the fore just now.
I was writing to S about my visit with mother yesterday. In an unconventional moment, mother said that she does not expect that my older sister (who has cancer) will ever be back to visit her. Mother was without any visible emotion. And as i was writing to S about this I realized that my mother has ALWAYS been without visible emotion. She will express political or religious ideas in a bold way, and is also very quick to express criticism, and also can become angry when she does not get her own way, but she does NOT express sadness.
Saturday evening my son K called me from the psych hospital he is currently in and spent almost an hour yelling and cursing and threatening to harm himself and others. (this is all behavior consistent with his illness) I deliberately practiced being conscious of what was happening, and analyzed what was taking place so as not to internalize the extreme energy K was generating. When his tirade was over and the call ended, I was very careful not to allow myself to feel anything about it.
Is this very 'zen' of me? Maybe. Is it very 'zen' of mother to not express any feelings about her oldest child getting ready to leave her body before she herself does?
"One should lament neither for the living nor the dead." (Bhag.Gita) See... I have scripture to support my lack of emotion! But if I am this way due to denial, due to not wanting to feel my inner pain, somehow i think i can not apply Shastra to that. It is like trying to be a sanyasi because it sounds good, but not being free of lust.
Anyhow... I do not like to feel sadness.. and i do not want anyone else to feel sadness.. but I think this is because i was never allowed to as a child. I was never allowed to grieve the loss of my father at age 5, or his mother, or anything! My sister Jean says that when one of her babies left her body after 30 days, my mother, who was the only one there, told her to just let it go. Jean says she "was not permitted to grieve."
I do not want to have painful emotions.
Monday, April 16, 2012
Friday, April 13, 2012
Bacopa - Will it help?
Caught the last 5 minutes of Dr. Oz the other day and he was recommending the herb "Bacopa" in increase memory. I wrote it down on an envelope by my seat so I would not forget it. Somehow that envelope made it to my office desk, although i could not remember taking it there, and as I waded through some papers when i paid the bills this morning , there it was ! Bacopa 150 mgs. After my financial duties were completed, i did a search on this supplement. Read information from a few sites and ultimately went to Dr. Oz's site and followed the link there to the company i ended up ordering from.
I am aware of my lack of concentration and memory. I am hoping that once i begin taking this i will see a measurable improvement in my brain function. Hopefully i will not experience the one side effect that is listed, mild stomach upset, because in general that is the one thing that has in the past kept me from regularly taking capped herbs. Remains to be seen.
A couple weeks ago my mother gave me some information on increasing memory that she received at her nursing home. She can not read them due to eyesight. I did read them over and most of what was suggested I already do, have BEEN doing, to stay on top of things. How many of us are the queens of sticky notes?
Well, back to changing sheets and folding laundry.
I am aware of my lack of concentration and memory. I am hoping that once i begin taking this i will see a measurable improvement in my brain function. Hopefully i will not experience the one side effect that is listed, mild stomach upset, because in general that is the one thing that has in the past kept me from regularly taking capped herbs. Remains to be seen.
A couple weeks ago my mother gave me some information on increasing memory that she received at her nursing home. She can not read them due to eyesight. I did read them over and most of what was suggested I already do, have BEEN doing, to stay on top of things. How many of us are the queens of sticky notes?
Well, back to changing sheets and folding laundry.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
"I did not excel at life today." and the scared young man...
A Facebook friend posted that yesterday. "I did not excel at life today." Now... what an amazing statement, an honest statement, a conscious statement. One often hears that it is important to embrace the truth of our individual lives. This matter-of-fact statement said it all for me.
Yesterday in my rounds of things to do, I stopped to fill up the car with gasoline. As i pulled into the spot, I saw that right there on the adjacent street a local policeman had pulled over a young man. I could hear the officer. I could see the young man gripping the steering wheel with both hands, looking straight forward. The policeman said something like, "You don't have any drugs in your car, do you?" That was all I heard clearly. I will tell you now that this young man was black bodied, and I wondered if that is why he was like a statue in his car. Was he gripped with fear ?
I went on to the new local 'super store' where i was looking to fill my to get list. Toward the end of my shopping i was in a freezer section and the same young man was there. Honestly, I would not have recognized him if he had not been black. He was talking to himself. He was a bit agitated. And i realized that this young man , like my son, is schizophrenic. His encounter with the cop pushed him over the edge a bit, I suspect. I wanted so much to reach out to him, to help him calm down, but knowing what it is like to try that with my own son, I was actually afraid to intrude into his internal process. I wanted to just give him a mom hug... to tell him everything would be ok.. to take him home and make him lunch... but fact is, I would be afraid to do that for my own son, to be alone with him if he were in such an agitated state after encountering an authority figure. I thought of his mother, and wondered if she, like me, struggled with the pain of having a child with such severe mental illness. And.. is it harder to be a black schizophrenic person than a white one? Or... is there no difference in public perception ? My heart was hurting for this young man for several hours. I prayed and prayed that he is being watched over in a special way... as I do for my son..
A hug does not take away mental illness.
Yesterday in my rounds of things to do, I stopped to fill up the car with gasoline. As i pulled into the spot, I saw that right there on the adjacent street a local policeman had pulled over a young man. I could hear the officer. I could see the young man gripping the steering wheel with both hands, looking straight forward. The policeman said something like, "You don't have any drugs in your car, do you?" That was all I heard clearly. I will tell you now that this young man was black bodied, and I wondered if that is why he was like a statue in his car. Was he gripped with fear ?
I went on to the new local 'super store' where i was looking to fill my to get list. Toward the end of my shopping i was in a freezer section and the same young man was there. Honestly, I would not have recognized him if he had not been black. He was talking to himself. He was a bit agitated. And i realized that this young man , like my son, is schizophrenic. His encounter with the cop pushed him over the edge a bit, I suspect. I wanted so much to reach out to him, to help him calm down, but knowing what it is like to try that with my own son, I was actually afraid to intrude into his internal process. I wanted to just give him a mom hug... to tell him everything would be ok.. to take him home and make him lunch... but fact is, I would be afraid to do that for my own son, to be alone with him if he were in such an agitated state after encountering an authority figure. I thought of his mother, and wondered if she, like me, struggled with the pain of having a child with such severe mental illness. And.. is it harder to be a black schizophrenic person than a white one? Or... is there no difference in public perception ? My heart was hurting for this young man for several hours. I prayed and prayed that he is being watched over in a special way... as I do for my son..
A hug does not take away mental illness.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Lost in a cheezy LMN movie and a beautiful day in the neighborhood
I am lost in a lame made for TV movie. Am I lame for watching it? Oh.. probably.. Lame for these 2 hours anyhow. One thing I am getting from it is "Never trust the strange neighbor!"... LOLOL... BUT..that said.. I am probably the strangest neighbor MY neighbors have ever had. I even put up a curtain in the over the kitchen sink window just to block out the back yard of the neighbor below us. Apparently they think I "watch" them out that window when actually i am just washing dishes and dreaming of anything BUT washing dishes. OH! Sooo much for being present.. right? LOL... Anyhow, since I now know how they feel, I will make certain NOT to look out any window facing their house. After all, I do not want to be called (OR to BE!) the "crazy old lady" neighbor.
Fact is, last year I went out on the deck with my guitar, as I sometimes like to do, to just sing. I did not know that the man-of-the-house was outside. In about 1 minute, this kids were running around the back yard screaming at the top of their lungs. I looked down and could tell that their dad encouraged them to behave this way to stop my singing. It worked. I have not been outside to sing since. That is one thing I really like to do. And would MUCH rather do it where there are no people. My intention is not to be heard by human ears.
This same fellow will open his garage door and blare loud music. He harassed our dog in the past by having his young child blow an air horn at our fence, causing our dog to run there ... and then the 'adult' laughed and laughed. And this is only one other instance.. one of many. The latest was in telling the electric company tree trimmers that our trees are HIS trees, and then instructed them. I did not know this until the work was almost done and I went to talk to these tree guys about what they were doing.
Ahhhhh.... ACTUALLY.. it is HE who is the 'crazy neighbor'... HE who seems to try to enjoy his own selfish behavior. (sigh) Well.. I NEVER expected I would be writing about THIS! I have surprised myself.
Well... "Peace is not freedom FROM the storm but peace WITHIN the storm." MAYBE one day I will get that!
Fact is, last year I went out on the deck with my guitar, as I sometimes like to do, to just sing. I did not know that the man-of-the-house was outside. In about 1 minute, this kids were running around the back yard screaming at the top of their lungs. I looked down and could tell that their dad encouraged them to behave this way to stop my singing. It worked. I have not been outside to sing since. That is one thing I really like to do. And would MUCH rather do it where there are no people. My intention is not to be heard by human ears.
This same fellow will open his garage door and blare loud music. He harassed our dog in the past by having his young child blow an air horn at our fence, causing our dog to run there ... and then the 'adult' laughed and laughed. And this is only one other instance.. one of many. The latest was in telling the electric company tree trimmers that our trees are HIS trees, and then instructed them. I did not know this until the work was almost done and I went to talk to these tree guys about what they were doing.
Ahhhhh.... ACTUALLY.. it is HE who is the 'crazy neighbor'... HE who seems to try to enjoy his own selfish behavior. (sigh) Well.. I NEVER expected I would be writing about THIS! I have surprised myself.
Well... "Peace is not freedom FROM the storm but peace WITHIN the storm." MAYBE one day I will get that!
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