So what does an "anniversary" matter anyhow?

Ok. Another wedding anniversary. Number 21. Today. I have spoken about it over the last 3 week a bit, actually we have talked about it.  What ended up happening is we took the truck in for repair and new tires, C got a haircut and he has a Dr. appointment. Funny , though, he pretended or proclaimed that he "doesn't know why he forgot to " get me a card. He "feels so bad" about not  remembering. What I have realized is that he does not listen to me at all. He had several birthdays of his children, grandson and parents in the last 4 weeks. I reminded him of those. he picked out the cards. I got the cash to put in. I addressed and stamped and mailed all of them. But he can not remember one day! And it is not only this day, but my birthday, and even Christmas often goes past without a present from him. I would not mind the x-mas thing except that he expects I will decorate the house for that holiday, inside and out.  So, I ask, what is wrong with this picture? Maybe it really is a bunch of crap to even "esteem" these days that celebrate stuff that has to do with my body and its connections.
      I am thinking though that I may just make a plan to take a couple days off, away from here. To go get a VERY nice hotel somewhere where I can walk around and enjoy my own company. After all, when I speak I listen to my self. When I think, I listen to my self. When I feel, I feel my self. Yes. I think I am going to go get myself a drum. If I thought I could tolerate it, I would get a tattoo. Maybe I will get myself a ring or a bracelet.
      Today, I can barely stand to stay here in this place where I have no friends, where I had to turn my back on his family because of the dysfunctional way they have treated me from the beginning.  Also, 3 of my siblings are very unhealthy for me, so I had to change the trajectory of those relationships. There is no place I think of as "home." Certainly not here. But really, not anywhere. No place calls to me. Funny, I do remember times in my life when places DID call my name, DID entice me! But.. no more. Everything is awkward to me. Except when alone, everything is foreign and strange, awkward.
     Did my mother choose my name, Barbara? I doubt my father had anything to do with those kinds of things by the time I came around.  Barbara means "barbarian, outsider, stranger." So, why not be a stranger to my spouse, to my children ? I certainly was to my mother.
     Well, this is it for today. In the grand scheme of things, it is all nonsense anyhow! I am but a speck on a speck on a speck. My while life is but a blip on a blip on a blip. My concerns are but vanities, inside vanities, on top of vanities.
:-)