After writing my memory last evening, and experiencing the feelings of that event, through the night it all became clear in my mind. Parents all over the world have jobs and leave their children in the care of others. I had a job. Although I was not paid to do that job, still it was a job I accepted, and was no different than anyone eases job choice, including my own mother's. I was dedicated to my work. And I DID love my children, both my own and those in my care.
My son's mental illness is not a result of my leaving him behind that day. And now that i have been deemed 'bi-polar', and looking back on life events, his mental illness may be entirely the result of DNA from both sides of his parental connections.
What surprises me the most this morning is that any other morning I recalled that event in Lake Huntington, my heart would hurt, would feel as if it were twisted to the point of breaking in two. But... that is (at least at this time) GONE! I could not have even written the sentences above without having tears begin to flow. Will I become free from the feelings of so many events simply by deliberately recalling, writing in detail, allowing whatever feeling that DO arise TO arise ? I am willing to do this now... not here necessarily...
There is also a broader issue of choice that I will just mention.. and that is that that soul, Kanti, chose me and all that came with that. I think I'll leave that topic for a different day.. a different frame of mind.. because maybe I need to work through this lifetime's events before I go back to considering the bigger picture. After all, I do not want to allow my brain to allow the bigger picture to obstruct the events that I need to process. Maybe I have been hiding in the forest for too long. Now I need to look at and touch all the trees. OH! May be time to become a 'tree hugger" !
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