Are we having fun yet?

   For me,  that is a very sincere question. 60 years old in this body and i have never figured out how to 'have fun.' C and I were talking some moments ago about how we are going to go out with our new camper (new as of late last year) as often as possible. He said, "We are going to have FUN!" So, my next question to him was, "Can you REALLY have fun with ME?" and he said emphatically and with a smile , "Of COURSE!" But you see... I just don't 'feel' it.
   I do recall a time when i marveled at the world around me, when there was a spark of life and FOR life! But, frankly, I lost that very early on in my life. Probably around the time of 12...  when 'innocence was lost' , when heart was broken, when how I had viewed my 'self' was somehow lost. My body was always a physically painful place to reside.
   Today the physical pain is almost unbearable from one day to the next.  And everything C has me involved with is both physically taxing and emotional taxing. This is not his fault. He is simply living his life, as he has every right and even responsibility to do. I am his wife. I am along for the ride. 
   This is MY karma, MY life, MY choice.  I have chased the illusive 'fun adventure' many times in this life. I reached a point where the chase is over.  The search for fun has been replaced with the conscious pursuit for peace and joy... INSIDE! Seems that the external condition of my life is actually meant to facilitate my inner life.
   I get a measure of satisfaction when i hear of the adventures of others.. friends going here and there, doing this and that. But just like the many times I stood outside the many varied temple room doors looking through at the devotees engaged in dancing and chanting.. and i could not get myself to go inside, could not become a part of that experience, I am quite often simply an observer of the lives of others.  Even when a dear friend insisted I attend the Scottish Highland Games a couple times, she clearly had a blast and hoped the same for me.  She never really knew. I never really told her. How does one tell a love one who is trying so hard to provide a nice experience that somehow it just isn't working?
   How does one fight against the law of karma? God knows I have TRIED! But try as i might I have not been able to overcome the feelings of being unlovable, unqualified, disconnected, removed. Couple that with severe chronic pain and well... I really sometimes HAVE to ask.. with all sincerity... "Are we having fun yet?"