It has been so long! May you all be well.
      Tonight I've made a decision to NEVER  EVER complain about ANYTHING!!!

Thoughts on this matter of guilt, of duty, of religion and dogma

Yesterday when I went to pick up the car (new battery) the gal at the front desk began expressing how chaotic her mind has become.  As a woman with at least one teen left at home, as a working woman and wife, she began to express her need to have quiet.. her need to just stop thinking. She even went so far as to say she is feeling like a child with the symptoms of ADD, her thoughts  often just swirling, and unable to concentrate on the simplest things. We talked a bit about  that, because she is always on the go, always doing something, and feels guilty if she takes time for herself. Then it came out... She began saying how she wants to be "obedient to God" always, and how she volunteers for a local youth organization that is "taking off", and so on. And I realized that her particular brand of religion means she is praying for things she wants, praying for the protection of her children, that she is in a constant mode of wanting to "please the Lord', to "do His will" , all the time in a state of wondering what He wants from her. Yet she is not coming from a calm thoughtful place of trusting her Lord, but rather that manmade dogmatic place that keeps folks who hold those religious beliefs in a constant place of bondage to guilt. And it hit me... strongly... that some time ago I rejected the type of bondage people in religious or spiritual power place on other folks.

    But it is not on that such bondage is placed upon we, the people. There has been a deep seated societal bondage (often USING religious dogma ) that can quite strongly keep us down. I am the only one who can reject that bondage in my life. And it does require catching my thinking... and if it erupts then I take a step to reason it out, to reject guilt and bondage.

     If it is so that " love IS duty and duty IS love" then performing ones actual duty would result in growing love... and genuine love would result in ever genuine dutiful behavior.  Acts taken on in anger and resentment can not possibly be genuine "duty." And conversely, expressions of genuine love and not be devoid of dutiful behavior.

    So, just some thoughts on this matter of guilt, of duty, of religion and dogma.

sitting with it......

   That heart break place....
where the ache in mind and heart....
pull at the shoulders.....
embedding in the forehead just under the skin...
My chest tightens.....
And tears  well up but do not overflow. ..
Then I remember!!!!
Sit with it. Just sit with it.
Relax my brow.....
Feel the sensations....
No judging.....
Allowing the waves to ebb and flow...
Breathe..... in and out.....
in and out.....

So what does an "anniversary" matter anyhow?

Ok. Another wedding anniversary. Number 21. Today. I have spoken about it over the last 3 week a bit, actually we have talked about it.  What ended up happening is we took the truck in for repair and new tires, C got a haircut and he has a Dr. appointment. Funny , though, he pretended or proclaimed that he "doesn't know why he forgot to " get me a card. He "feels so bad" about not  remembering. What I have realized is that he does not listen to me at all. He had several birthdays of his children, grandson and parents in the last 4 weeks. I reminded him of those. he picked out the cards. I got the cash to put in. I addressed and stamped and mailed all of them. But he can not remember one day! And it is not only this day, but my birthday, and even Christmas often goes past without a present from him. I would not mind the x-mas thing except that he expects I will decorate the house for that holiday, inside and out.  So, I ask, what is wrong with this picture? Maybe it really is a bunch of crap to even "esteem" these days that celebrate stuff that has to do with my body and its connections.
      I am thinking though that I may just make a plan to take a couple days off, away from here. To go get a VERY nice hotel somewhere where I can walk around and enjoy my own company. After all, when I speak I listen to my self. When I think, I listen to my self. When I feel, I feel my self. Yes. I think I am going to go get myself a drum. If I thought I could tolerate it, I would get a tattoo. Maybe I will get myself a ring or a bracelet.
      Today, I can barely stand to stay here in this place where I have no friends, where I had to turn my back on his family because of the dysfunctional way they have treated me from the beginning.  Also, 3 of my siblings are very unhealthy for me, so I had to change the trajectory of those relationships. There is no place I think of as "home." Certainly not here. But really, not anywhere. No place calls to me. Funny, I do remember times in my life when places DID call my name, DID entice me! But.. no more. Everything is awkward to me. Except when alone, everything is foreign and strange, awkward.
     Did my mother choose my name, Barbara? I doubt my father had anything to do with those kinds of things by the time I came around.  Barbara means "barbarian, outsider, stranger." So, why not be a stranger to my spouse, to my children ? I certainly was to my mother.
     Well, this is it for today. In the grand scheme of things, it is all nonsense anyhow! I am but a speck on a speck on a speck. My while life is but a blip on a blip on a blip. My concerns are but vanities, inside vanities, on top of vanities.
:-)

Emotion Versus Logic

When emotions are engaged in the brain the logical part of the brain can not function. When the logical part of the brain is engaged, the emotions can not be prominent.  My brain can switch back and forth so fast I always have the sense of being out of control in my thinking. This is why I can become so obsessively upset. By allowing the emotional part of my brain to run amuck, giving my power away to those emotions. But this has been my M.O. my entire life. So how do I alter this pattern?
      Here are practical steps to take my brain from emotionally prominent to logically prominent as taught me by my beloved counselor :
* As soon as I recognize I'm under the control of emotions I will stop... and describe exactly what is going on..WITH OUT JUDGEMENT! JUST THE FACTS!!
* By describing the events, in steps...1, 2, 3.... abandoning suppositions and judgements... my brain will actually change.
   To demonstrate this, she handed me a glass stone from a bowl on the table. She said, "Describe that stone." It was rough on one side, smooth on the other and on the edges. I said ,"it's mis-shappen"... but realized right away that was a judgement. I changed my words to ," not perfectly round."
     I am wanting to apply this practice to my daily life. I when I find myself being upset, I want to talk out the facts of the situation... JUST THE FACTS MAM! Let's see how I learn.
     One thing, right out of the gate, is owning that I must WANT to abandon my emotional reactions to whatever!!! I must embrace my logical brain!
LOGIC IS MORE HONEST THAN EMOTIONS!!!
I want to embrace honesty!!!!

You "will get used to it. "

Wrote an email to a friend today about how I may have to change what I do around the house. But ...you see... this is my job. When I told my significant other that I may need to change how I do things ..do my job. The reply was , "Well, I may not like it, but I'll help."
    Had to absorb this. I don't do my job because I like it. AND if I get fired from my job, I don't get unemployment payments. I don't get retirement. In fact, if my significant other retired tomorrow,  I would be expected to keep doing all the housework. You know, I think I am just going to do what I want to do, fill it in with a little housework and get used to the mess.  I am not spending the rest of my life slaving.
    I think I just might run away.